trying hard

to not give up.

don't read this if you don't want to listen about my personal shitty problems with myself again >.>


I wonder why do I always feel not good enough. for anything. I was laughed at since elementary school. I was too fat, too pale, my hair wasn't pretty neither my face was. nothing was good about me. then I grew up a bit in middle school people started to notice that I've lost some weight but then nothing else was good. again, I was too pale, my hair wasn't perfect, my chest was (and still is, lol) flat and my clothes were not good. nothing was. it didn't matter to me if I had friends or not. the only thing that was important to me was how did people see me then. step by step I started loosing my friends. a new "star" came to the school and she was just perfect in their eyes. so why would they need me? what's more, she didn't like me. so others started to dislike me as well. my hikikomori era started. actually, she's destroyed me. I really wanted to commit suicide back then. even tho I was just 13-14 years old, I still think about it.

weird music, weird clothes and everything just weird and pitiful. that's how people were thinking about me, even in the high school. I had piercings and just was an outsider. but I had my best friend with me.

everytime when I see people talking or laughing or even just staring at me for even just ONE SECOND, I think that they must laugh at me or/and talk bad about me. just like before. because I'm always different. different from others, from "normal" people. is it really so bad?

when I started studying I didn't really think I will make any friends. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone and let me be myself. I didn't care if I will have anyone to talk to. but luckily, I do have these people. and still, my best friend. even tho we're not in the same city anymore.

I used to be and I guess I still am - a very fragile person. I often cry when I'm alone. when I have a reason or not really. I don't even know WHY. as you know I have a depression and my psychiatrist said it started when I was around 13. hah, funny, ne. I always lie to my doctor and say that I'm getting better. I've never told her about things from my past. my mom doesn't know either, I think that would make her really sad. so I'm trying to smile, everyday. I love it when just something small - but positive - happens. I know that I wail about everything often.

I change my hair color so often too. I'm never satisfied with myself. I'm always bad looking. and again, people stare, some of them laugh. at me for sure. I can feel it. I don't like myself. actually, I hate myself as much as it's only possible. I often think I just want to die. especially when I think about my future. what I'm going to do when I finish my school? I don't think I will find a good job. and I also wonder about relationships and stuff like that. it's not like I don't enjoy being single. I really like it, honestly! but it makes me feel bad when my mom says she's praying for me to find a good husband, hah. who would want me, come on (-_-); well, maybe besides those psychos that I always happen to meet :7 and then again, my mom says "take off those piercings and start dressing normally, so you'll find a normal boyfriend and people will like you". but would it be "me" ? I guess I've been really in love only once... and I kinda still am. but that's just something impossible. nothing is going to happen. I don't mind that and I wish him to find someone perfect and good, from my whole heart I wish that for him.

I don't write that to make you feel pity for me. I actually write that for myself. this blog is something like a therapy for me. I can share my thoughts with people who don't even know me. maybe some of you do, but 98% will never meet me in real life. it's easier that way.

I just wanted to say... hmm, don't let people destroy you. don't let them trample you like some trash. and what's more - if it happens to you - don't do anything stupid. I've never taken any drugs in my life, I've never got drunk either. that's the only strong point I like about myself. have your dreams and try your best to make them come true. be yourself, no matter what. be good to people even if they treat you badly. care about your friends, honestly. I think that my life is pretty fucked up, but the only things that make me alive are my family and friends. without them I'd be nothing. well, I actually am nothing but I'd be even more... nothing.

jskdbfb chaotic post. sorry for those who read that x.x' I feel sorry for you, lol, really.
I'd better stop my blabling before I become some emo kid (o_O);

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something more interesting (finally, yay!): this weekend I will take that stupid usb cable for my camera and FINALLY make some reviews! C: