About Me

My Photo
hello hello~ Miru desu. I'm a Polish girl living in UK!!! but who am I actually?
*hair products maniac
*prince ☆彡

View my complete profile
Saturday, 8 October 2011
NOTE: this post is very personal, if you don't like reading about depression and shitty stuff like that, for your own good - LEAVE THIS PAGE.

if you got in my skin for at least one day, you'd probably gone crazy and shoot yourself in the head. how does it feel to be ME?
well, in my oppinion it's one of the worst things in that fucked up world...
I wake up and I don't feel like getting out from my warm bed. I just want to sleep. and never wake up. getting up makes me sick and I feel like throwing up when I think about going out. I start thinking about my own death for the first time this day.
I don't live with my parents so no one can make me any breakfast. I have to do everything myself, I need to eat before I take my antidepressants which don't even work. I go to school and I hate it. From the first lecture to the last one. Sometimes I cry out of nothing, in front of everyone... I can't help it, I just can't stop it no matter how hard I try. so humiliating... I want to die. I go back to the room I rent and then I take another dose of my pills and I do nothing for the rest of the day. Just watching some tv, smoking, checking my blog. blah, that's all. everytime when I see myself in the mirror I think about changes. What I could change to make myself feel better? No idea. Besides, no money... Hah, being a poor student sucks so bad. I can't find a job because of my studies. There would be no time... it makes me feel even worse. Nothing makes me happy.
Every second weekend I go home but my parents don't make it better... I know they don't want it, they love me and I love them too. the most in the world. but I just can't stand them sometimes. I can't stand my mom asking me all the time why I don't have a boyfriend, what I'm doing to my hair and just everything... it sucks so bad. I'm not worth anything. I'm trying to smile in front of people, trying to act like everything was just fine. but when I'm alone, I just cry. I hate myself so bad. I can't do even ONE fucking thing properly. I can't even become a gyaru and I wan't do be one so bad.

I simply don't know what to do with myself...


  1. It took me a while, to figure out what to say, because I didn't want to accidentally make you sad. I really like reading your blog, you're a very cute girl. I love your makeup, your smile, your hair, and your outfits, they suit you so well. I like reading about all the personal stuff that goes on, because if you didn't add that and your personality, it would be boring. I feel that you can really become an amazing gyaru, and you are so much closer than I am. I know what's it's like to wake up, and just not want to do anything, but have to. It sucks, and I'm really sad to read that you're going through the same thing. Don't let your parents get you down, you may not have a boyfriend, but it'll happen in due time, like the red string of fate. You're tied to someone, and eventually you'll find him. Like the missing piece to a puzzle. I'm sorry if this wall of text didn't help at all... but I just wanted to write out to you. You don't know who I am, but that doesn't mean I don't care. (Please don't let that sound creepy TAT). Just don't give up and die, because even though now you're sad, there were times you were happy, and you'll be happy in the near future. Stay strong. :)

  2. thank you very much for your kind words, it means a lot to me <3 I really didn't want to sound like some emo kid but I just felt that urge to write about how do I feel inside. I prefer to hide my negative feelings because I'm scared that everyone will turn their backs at me (it happened to me in the past) so this is the only place I can "say" what actually is in my mind.

    don't think you're being far from being gyaru! I'm sure that everyone is better than me haha (^^) ~!

  3. You're welcome, I was just being honest. (^^;;) Having emotions doesn't make you an emo kid, it just makes you human. Well if they turned their backs on you when you really needed them, it doesn't sound like they're very good friends... friends are there for you through the good, and the bad, not just the good.

    No no, you're way farther than me. I still don't know how to put on my eyelashes, or even dress gyaru, terrified of circle lenses, and can't contour my face to save my life. Lol i'm pretty useless at it right now. I look up to you for inspiration for myself haha